About 40 mins before our visit was over I just lost it. I mean totally lost it. Tears dripping off my face landing on my honey's arm. I couldn't stop either. I had my face buried in his shoulder and everytime he touched me I think it made things worse, even though he was trying to make it better...finally he knew exactly what to do to make it stop...make me laugh! LOL My man started to crack little jokes and made me laugh and was able to get the tears to stop.
I told my man if I didn't turn around after I walked through the first set of doors when we said goodbye, it was because I couldn't bring myself to. The reasoning was because I didn't want to upset him. The thing about prison life is the fact that he cannot cry, so why am I going to push him to cry or put it in his face. I wanted him to know and I needed to say it out loud so we were on the same page.
I was kind of upset because every other night the CO announced a 10 or a 5 minute warning before visits were over. Tonight, we received a 1 minute warning. Maybe he saw how upset some of us were and didn't want us to agonize, I don't know. Anywho, we got that last minute warning and I thought I might be sick, because it seemed to happen so quickly! I took our Uno cards up to the desk, grabbed our paperwork and my man's ID, and walked back to him. And then it happened.........my man grabbed me, pulled me to him, looked me in the eye, told me he loved me and then kissed me. OMG...it was a kiss of all kisses. It was a hard, passionate, dirty kiss...the best you can have in the situation we were in. It curled my toes and needless to say, he wasn't the only one to moan tonight. He couldn't have gave me a better kiss! When we finally ended the kiss, we embraced for a deep hug, expressed our love for one another and then I had to walk away. When I got to the first set of doors I had tears streaming down my face and my legs were shaking...after I checked in with the CO in the control room before I had to go through the next doors I knew I had to turn and look at my man. With a smile on my face I turned and blew him a kiss and mouthed, "I Love You!" I wanted him to know I was okay and for him not to be too upset tonight while we were both alone...
I hate leaving him there even though when he comes home he will not be coming home to me. It is just different. I hate having to leave alone and knowing I won't be able to see him for another 3 months...that phone calls are intermittent and limited and that letters never come and go fast enough. I just hate saying good bye with tears, heartache, a kiss and a last "I love you."
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