Trying To Heal By Venting & Getting My Space Back

Okay...this is a long ass post and this is all about me and an issue that I just can't get past. I felt like I needed to vent, get it off my chest in order to move on. Yes, by the time you finish reading this post you may call me a judgmental bitch, because that doesn't both me at all. I know I'm a judgmental bitch...I own it and I'm okay with it. If you opt to skip this after a paragraph or so...I'm okay with that too, because this one is for me more than you. So here goes...

I have never held it secret or even quiet that I have major issues with some of my family members, especially my bro and his wife. There has been a long brewing battle with them, especially her. We do not fight even though I have thought of it and sometimes dreamt of it. I know that I'm allowing them to take up too much space in my head, my heart, and more importantly in my soul, so this post is my way of venting and letting it all go. I also know that some of my issue is jealousy, which is crazy, but it is what it is and I'm woman enough to admit it, because in all honesty some of this should be happening for me and it just hasn't happened yet. I know it will happen all in good time, but some of this crap just doesn't help.

Let me give you some background here. My bro and I have never been uber close. There are 8 years between us and light years between our mentalities. I know some of this is because of the way we grew up. My bro is my dad's son. My dad is not really my dad. Before my mom meet the man who would become my dad she had me. I was never given an opportunity to know my real father. My mom didn't even tell my father she was pregnant or that I existed until I was 18 months old. You see my mom was the "other woman" and my father had a wife and five sons from his marriage. I think my mom held long seeded hatred for my father, because when she finally told him that I existed she told him that if one day I showed up on his doorstep to spit in his face and spew my hatred at him she would back me. Um, I'm not sure why I would stand on this man's doorstep and spit in his face or spew hatred at him...it was never his fault as to why he wasn't in my life. That was my mother's choice and neither he nor I had a choice in the matter and we had to live with her choice.

It was always clear while I was growing up that my mother had convinced herself that my dad was my "real" dad. It was also made clear in my mind that my family didn't include me. Things were only done as a family when I wasn't home and it was just the three of them, my mom, my dad, & my bro. It wasn't all sunshine for my bro either, because my mom and dad are very selfish people. They always put the two of them above everything and everyone else, including my bro & I. The next step on the food chain was if the occasion called for a family was my mom, dad and my bro. I was lucky though because I had my Nana & Papa and I always retreated to them. They were my rock and they are who helped make me who I am today.

Once we were grownups and I was married and had my munchkin & my step-munchkin my bro married my x-sil and had a family, 2 beautiful boys. After their second son was born their marriage came to an end. This was sad, because I loved my x-sil and those 2 boys. The year was 2007. On Feb. 16th my bro filed for divorce and moved back in with my parents. I supported him the best I could and even paid for his divorce. It wasn't an angry divorce and didn't turn bad until the end of February, early March, when my bro moved in with a girl before his wife was even served with the divorce papers.

The new girl was kept pretty secretive from the whole family. She always has been. I'm not sure why. No one had ever met her and all that people knew was that she had a son that was born 22 days after my bro's second son. The first time I met this new girl was in April 2007. They drove up to get me after my going away party when I left my job in hell. I was too drunk to drive home so they came up to get me and bring me and my car home. I was told I wasn't allowed to look at her...she drove her car back and my bro drove me and my car back. I paid to fill up her gas tank before they dropped me and my car at home and I was reminded at the gas station and then when I got home that I wasn't allowed to look at her. I was like...whatever! I was drunk and I didn't care. At some point I suspected that the new girl was pregnant and confronted my mom over it. She confirmed that I was right and that the baby was due in mid-December. Um, hello...I can count too and according to my calculations you conceived mid-late March. Within 6 weeks of his filing for divorce.

Christmas time arrived that year and I received a Christmas card from the new girl, my bro, her 1 year old and "new baby" who wasn't even here yet. It was sent from them as Mr. & Mrs. This I found beyond tacky since he still wasn't divorced. I was still in shock that a single mom would move my bro into her home with her less than 6 month old son when she allegedly didn't know him prior to his filing for divorce. (Read: I've never bought the story and suspect that her son may actually be my bro's kid & they were having an affair as my x-sil suspected.) I mean hello...you don't know him. He could have been a child molester. If you want to be an idiot when it's just you fine, but you have a child and you should be more responsible. My bro finally told me the night his 3rd (or 4th depending on who you believe) son was born that they were expecting. Now that takes class, doesn't it?

The second time I met the new girl was at my mom's on Christmas Eve. Baby #3 was 3 or 4 days old (I debate the DOB, but that is just me because I remember him calling me on the 20th and everyone else says it was the 21st...whatever, neither here nor there). This was the same night that my x-sil allowed my mom to have the 2 boys to spend Christmas Eve with the family. There was a lot of hatred on my part that night, because the new girl came and picked up my oldest nephew and took him to their house before celebrating at my mom's. They didn't take my other nephew to as they said "celebrate Christmas as a family." I was beyond livid!! You don't get to pick and choose which of your other children you are going to include in your "new family." Needless to say when they returned to the house, the five of them, and I was holding my pocket baby (nephew #2) I said nothing to her. I didn't even look at baby #3. They left within a couple hours but not before treating my two nephews like crap.

That January my mother had to have surgery on the shoulder she broke at my house over the prior summer. I was doing her grocery shopping when I ran into the 3 of them (her son was in daycare) and while my bro and I stood there chatting the new girl stood there with her hand up next to her eyes blocking her from seeing me and her face turned away from me. (Read: she thinks she is still in high school.) Yes, this was the 3rd time I meet her in the 11 months since they were together.

No one in the family knew they were getting married until my family was at a family wedding and the grandmother of the bride, my mom's 2nd cousin, congratulated my bro to my mom and when my mom asked what she was talking about she told my mom that his wedding license was in the paper the day before. Nice way for your mom to find out that you are getting married. So him and the new girl got married at the courthouse some day in the midst of the drama with my two nephews. So my bro terminated his rights to my 2 nephews and married wife #2 with two new kids.

Fast forward to the email I received last spring of the new girl in a wedding dress asking me what I thought of her dress. This lead to a conversation of my confusion since they were already married and her telling me that they were having a real wedding (read: fake) and the reasons weren't satisfactory in my book. They weren't doing it because they loved one another and wanted to share that love with their friends and family...no, they were doing it because, according to the new girl, "I want to get dressed up and have my picture taken too" referring to my x-sil. That is a mature reason, huh? Then the date of the fake wedding came out and it was for when my munchkin's birthday party was scheduled and it was the day before my munchkin's birthday. Instead of an apology of jacking my son's birthday I was told "Well, I guess you'll have to move your son's birthday."

The day of the fake wedding arrived and the new girl made the mistake of running her mouth at one of my salons and telling my face girl "I fucking hate my fucking fiance. He has ruined my entire fucking life. I fucking hate him." That's love on your wedding day...fake or not. At the wedding where I dreamed of spilling a glass of red wine down the front of her fake wedding dress instead she walked up behind where I was sitting and pulled a chunk of my up-do down and asked if I had my hair done. The only reason I didn't knock her out was because I was sober and I felt a little sad for her...no-one from her family showed up to the fake wedding. And I mean no one....her parents didn't show, her 2 bros didn't show, her grandparents didn't show, no aunts, uncles or cousins either. (Read: See, even her own family doesn't like her.) I do however believe that mother nature showed up to warn them that this isn't the best decision, because there was a tornado the night of their fake wedding. This is a sign y'all...

The next time I saw them was on Christmas Eve where we deduced that the new girl is pregnant again. This normally isn't a big deal, but you see I'm the only grand-daughter, all of my cousins are boys, and none of what my mother considers the biological grand-children had a girl yet so after I filed for divorce and my x-sil was pregnant with baby #1 my bro threw it in my face not in the nicest manner that he will have a girl before me. Um, I think the fact that you are having sex and I'm not greatly increases your chances. So even though my 2 cousins have girls (the one my mom considers biological had a daughter in September and the one my mom doesn't consider biological~her bro adopted him when he was 5 after marrying my aunt~has a daughter who is going to be 15 this year) I know that my bro is adding to his child number in hopes that they have a girl before I do. Again, not hard...I'm still not having sex and don't have a plan for a baby in the next year or two. Duh!

So the latest compilations of crap that has finally broken me with being involved with my bro and the new girl are 3 separate incidents...

Incident #1 when the new girl commented that she would gladly give away her oldest son than the youngest son on Christmas Eve...as that "step-kid" who is known not to be biologically the father's child this hit me really hard. Aren't you suppose to stand up stronger for your child who you are the only real parent in the household to? Not be willing to toss him under the bus quicker than your other children who happen to belong to or have been admitted to belong to your spouse. Yes, I'm very sensitive to this situation and maybe too much too, but this was just uncalled for.

Incident #2 is when I was getting prank calls from the county jail and I called my mom to make sure it wasn't someone in the family and when she called my bro his response was, "I'm sorry to disappoint my sister, but it isn't me." How dare you think the fact that you are not in jail disappoints me. You are an idiot and a jackass.

Incident #3...throwing it in my face how you are moving into a 3,000+ square foot house in a ritzy subdivision while you remind me I'm still living in a single wide trailer. And of course the subdivision is one of the few that I have looked at and hoped to eventually relocate to as the munchkin and I move up in the world with all of my hard work in school, etc. Since I would rather live in a box than near them it has been crossed off my list. So upon learning this news in such a distasteful manner and with the rudeness that only my bro can invoke I have deleted their contact information from my phone and figure the only time I will really have to deal with any of them is maybe on Christmas Eve. So I say...well dear ex-bro and skanky x-new sil you are moving today to your new, rented "luxury" house that you can't afford (I know how much you make and how much your bills are and I do judge, so deal with it) and mother nature is with me, yet again. Because after our blizzard on Wednesday where we received 9 inches of snow, she showed up again today, your moving day, and is giving us another 3-6 inches.

Just another sign I say...a warning sign that this "marriage" is doomed and needs to stop. For God's sake even mother nature is telling you to end it. Duh!

Consider it done: 1, 2, 3

Just getting started: 4, 5, 6

Needs attention: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15